How NOT to get picked up at the Hotel Bar

Bowie and Little Black Girls Everywhere
January 11, 2016

How NOT to get picked up at the Hotel Bar

Arrived into the new fancy hotel with my new crew. Old friends new situation.  We sit to have a “last call” beverage.  A stranger comes and plops next to us.  Immediately I knew he was European, immediately I knew he was surly, and I knew he would say so many many inappropriate things.

How do I ?
A) continue to enjoy our drinks
B) Not get these black men arrested for punching this guy in the face who WILL say something horrifying…in broken English
C) Not pay the tab
D) Get to my room safely.
Never had to think of any of these things before? Well lucky you…you must be a man.  Tonight was growth for me.  Or maybe just “seasoning”. I didn’t even want the drink.  I just wanted to hang with my crew without a proposition or a police arrest.  Five star hotel no less…but swarthy is as swarthy does.
Here’s what we know.  He takes private jets. He lives on Indian Creek in Miami.  His son curses him out.  Fifteen-years-ago-tour manager-Tina , may have tried to get an apartment out of this, but grown up-gotta-go-to-work, sleepy, headache-from-the-tv-being-too- close-to-my-seat-on-the-plane-Tina, cheerfully laughed at all of the inappropriate jokes, finished my nasty chicken wings and took the champagne to go all while being escorted back to my room by my squad.
1. Laugh at jokes
2. Keep it light. The minute Trump came up the homie redirected to convo to…pretzel sticks.  “Oh yes I vonce had zee pretzel sticks in Cabo” “Cabo? you don’t say…heee heee heee”
3. You got kids? is always an opener to some sexual innuendo.  Just say “yes. I have kids.” Even if you don’t.  No one needs to hear all that.
4. DONT go out to the next place even when they offer.  Just don’t.  That’s where sloppy kiss attempts happen…and that’s just gross.
5. Leave right when the convo seems to be getting good.  Like as a shock. No wind down.  Just all of a sudden.  Throws them off and you can escape.
6. And always walk back to your room with the homie…if you’re not on the same floor, pretend you are.
Further… no one really needs a free drink…

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