I had a Myomectomy about 7 years ago.
The doctor told me then I had about 5 years before things came back so get ready…drop them babies. I was, of course on a world tour with the Black Eyed Peas…and while I talked about throwing a pod in there, it was in between Cachaca shots and 17 hour transpacific flights. Did he really think I was gonna stop all of that? I mean come on! Couldn’t I just accidentally get pregnant like most people?
Nevertheless, through a series of botched attempts (nothing like a little biological desperation to make a relationship stick!) and a small midlife crisis, I escaped to this theory “.kids…I got 11 Godkids…who needs them?”
Back in the game, on the road…October 2014 my period decides…well…not to leave. Week 3, 4 and 6 come by and I go to the hospital. Good old Western doctors…. “the only real thing that works is a hysterectomy.” Oh yeah? I would love to tell a man, “the only thing that’s going to work is if I cut off your balls….yeah I’m sorry…it’s just what it is. Times up. ” Insurance too….pre Obama Care….”yeah, your insurance is $800 per month cuz you have these crazy fibroids…but if you just get a hysterectomy, I can knock off 6 months.” It should be absolutely illegal to tell a woman this. You think you depressed now…wait until I tell you your reproductive system is shot and so…fuck it, get rid of it.
It gets worse.
Sex…..I mean, I’m an aggressive woman who works hard and plays hard and needs a release just like the next head of household…. so now that my uterus is tripled its size I can make Pee Wee Herman feel like Mandingo. Its painful and awful and all these brilliant lingerie sets I’ve copped from Journelle are for naught. It’s bullshit… AND I’VE HAD IT.
So I was packing for the 22 hour flight to Thailand to get this Fibroid Embolization for half the American mark up, when my girl rallied the Fibroid Community and introduced me to Dr. Bruce Mc Lucas.
I wanted to kiss him. Literally make out with him in the doctors office yesterday. He gave me a great cash price. “Better than Thailand” so he says. But whatevs. Fuck this insurance stress out. I’d rather work a month on a shitty tour and cash out.
The set up is for November, meaning….1 more period of hell while in Australia. I may have a ceremony for it in Brisbane…except I’m pretty sure it’s Shark season and I may not even surf this time around….but whatevs….I’m already a nicer person.
Look out promoters…you aren’t even going to recognize me after November 10th!